What the Hell kind of Place would Heaven be?

Musings from my travel report.

I was reading

Vytas Stoskus’s response to someone, featuring a conversation on hell. It was serious and funny, and I was writing him a comment when it all disapperead from the chat window! It’s just so medium, this chat window; large would’ve been better. And suddenly hell-was-I-struck-with-divine-inspiration, and I thought, devilishly, that in the matter of Hell, I could well kill (Heaven forbid!), two birds with one stone. Here’s to us Vytas.

A hell-u-va time.

A chat with some old friends a while ago necessitated my making a trip to hell. It was a serious discussion, involving potential separation. Over plenty cold ones, my friends said I was likely going to heaven. One said he was likely too, while all the others clearly stated they would go to Hell where The Devil would have their souls. (Yes, yes.. lawyers, mostly.)

Called the Devil Direct, his number’s the second one on my speed dial; sought an appointment to discuss matters of grave importance, and reached early to have a looksie about before sitting down for my meeting. I made the trip alone, thinking I’d get more time to discuss said grave matters. But there was a slight change in logistics. And more to be.

Introducing Toby.

The Devil Himself met me on arrival, and delighted to see me, took me hurriedly to the entrance gate where he was to welcome new detainees.

There was some banter by his MCs before their Master took the stage. I saw newcomers being separated into different groups; clearly evident from The Devil’s short video here that was provided to me for mytube. I wondered what had led to that change.

This was a recent phenomenon; Hell was suddenly in so much demand that some manner of organisation seemed to be in order. On stage above for all to see, he looked dashing as he looked down upon what was supposedly scum and royalty; all in the same place, believe me! Or don’t; believe your eyessssss, inssssssstead, and ssssssee for yoursssssself!

This was new, even for hell.

That done, Toby put his arm around me and whisked me off to The Great Flaming Terrace. This was a high platform, from which all the depths of Hell could be seen. This was really something. Mordor and all others were a mere figment of an inactive imagination and digital rendering. This was real. The emotion almost as palpable as what I’d experienced when I was but a cub, held up by The Great Paws; “one day, all this will be yours”. Hmm..

The view was magnificent; what looked like city lights were internal infernal home fires (you’d know if you were ever married), not that Hell was a cold place. That does happen, mind you. When The Devil leaves Hell for a moment in eternity, Hell freezes over. I have to tell you, there’s something about Toby. Hot (yes ladies, hawt, if you will), passionate, breathing fire, if nothing else. He’s dead right when he says says it’s a thankless job, yet he keeps it all going.

Grand plans.

Toby explained his plans for the new Hell. Being on first-name infernal terms was cool, and I was really listening. Before long, I began to see his predicament and his point. But before taking me further down that discussion, since he knew what I was there for, he asked a middle-aged ghoul to show me around. Said ghoul, Toby assured, had experienced his mid-life crisis, and loved it here.

The hot tour.

My guide showed me the real estate, facilites and accomodations available. He said we could craft our own little hells as we liked. There were ample building resources; burnt stuff, ash; everything we needed for an eco-friendly environment. Eternal heating, saunas, steam, no greens therefore no greenhouse gases. No climate issues either. Importantly, no refrigerants for cooling. And all free, for eternity!

I knew my friends would like what they saw. We could brew our own grog too. There was plenty of space for new friends as well, and this was good. Like consciousness, Hell was expanding. I realised it was smart to make the trip, and thanked God for giving me the hotline to Toby.


Hell’s become quite a cool place Vytas. I necessarily had to check out the real estate. No longer the cramped lodgings where souls were packed like sardines. No sir! There’s vast, eternally vast expanses of space spread over eternal time now, theme parks for ghouls and tyrannosaurus souls, feeding areas as large as Vegas hotels, fancy accommodations all over! I was told a runaway designer lab-bat-virus had come back home to recommend unholy physical distancing; more space therefore! Residents and Presidents were kept far apart from each other. There was unlimited loneliness to enjoy. Telling someone to “go to Hell” was looking more a boon than a curse.

There was also a special place for those who sold their daughters. Separate clubs where souls of their kind could congregate and hatch up more evil. This was a new Hell; absolutely reformed from the earlier one.

A new breed of leaders.

New names adorned Hell’s recently reconstituted board. Have to say they sounded familiar; even rhymed with some I’ve heard of. There were some that prophesised that males could turn into females, or even alligators, and that their time had now come! Deviously hellish! But more changes needed to be effected.

The thing about heaven

was that I didn't kind of want to be up there alone. I mean, I’m single, and would not mind some hot company. No cold ones to help with the sizzle? None of my friends! OMG! No no no; I couldn’t not be with my friends; why would I consign myself to a hell like that!? Jesus H Christ!

Done deal.

And so it’s done. We’re all going to hell. I’d checked about visas and other documentation during my trip; not too complicated, but due to a seriously heavy flow of traffic, there’s a long waiting to get that visa. But I was to be given privileged status. And visa control for my group and more.

You see, I proposed a devious and devilish slip to the board. Hell’s that always been “damned” could well, with a little twist, be brought into “demand”! The Devil’s board has never thought of this! And for myself, I realised I would need to do some serious stock-taking. Hmm…

And by God’s very own grace, my team and friends and I are very qualified to create booming market conditions. We haven’t spent our time on earth for nothing! We’re experienced in advancing individual spending, changing habits, surrogate advertising where alcohol adverts are banned, and so much more. We were paid good money in our time to run enterprise that would leave the planet in a 800 trillion dollar debt! No-one stopped to ask who exactly it was the planet was indebted to! Devious, eh?

Banks have funded wars, created demand and supply gaps, run away with people’s money; there’s been the hoarding of medicines by rich nations so that the underdeveloped ones could see more deaths on account of that lab virus, and so much more! We’re qualified.

I designed the first advert: “Give The Devil His Due”. It rocked! What with a planet obsessing over sixty-four genders and the like which needed learning. But we were taught about The Devil real young. Catch ’em young is right.

Bored to Board.

Far from the madding crowd and from the boring earthly life, my role on Hell’s Board is exciting. He lured me with the offer of an endless supply of that decadent Devil’s food cake and that very special elixir called Devil’s Red. How to resist that? Such healthy temptation!

The final countdown.

It was time for me to return and burn my bridges on earth. But Toby liked my credentials; and asked me how it was that I knew so much, re-iterating how my experience would serve Hell so very well.

I told him about the corporate world on earth, about the absolutely amazing things we did, about cigar and cognac in Board rooms accompanying Devil’s food cake, about special privileges, clubs, an expense allowance, the cars and more. I also told him about the perpetual wars, the carnage, looting, molestation of women and the decapitation of men, how moral values had all but gone, about the sleaze scandals in parliaments and how Governments fell on account of corruption, how integrity was all but eroded too.

He asked what I did here, and I said I fought the good fight. That though my tribe was brutally outnumbered, we fought this losing battle with integrity. I told him how we were the Resistance. And about a quote generally attributed (but disputed) to the Irish philosopher Eduard Burke, which read: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”. I explained that many people were all pomp and show but didn't do anything in the face of evil.


He was absolutely nonplussed, gobsmacked, stunned, and speechless! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been face to face with The Devil and his emmisaries many times over, but never.have.I.ever.seen.him.like.this!

Tears rolled down his face as he clutched my fancy but now somewhat scorched jacket. I figured this had to be some kind of a ploy, but no, it wasn’t. He spoke to me about his life and his emotional turmoil, and of the humiliation he went through being branded as The Devil. About how there was absolutely no appreciation for the work he did; no commendations, no reward. Terrible HR department, I thought; must rectify that once I come on the Board.

Things never go as planned in Hell.

Cannot divulge more than what I already have; that would be violating the NDA I signed when he offered me the Board role. Suffices to say that in my efforts with my friends to resuscitate this oxygen-deprived society on earth, I felt I had to give The Devil a chance.

Change in travel plans.

Hell’s free of a ruler. The Board cannot function on its own without the Chair. I’m acting Chair. The Devil’s here earth, amongst y’all. You might track him down by his expenses on copius purchases of cold ones, decadent Devil’s food cake and ice cream. Not sure that’ll cool him down, but at least he’s finding recognition for his deeds, loves jail time, relishes coming out and singing his tune to the press who lap it all up so eagerly.

He’s found home on earth. I’m giving up all my Board roles there now Vytus. Earth is way better at being terrible than hell is, if that can be an expression! Shouldn't we indulge in self-care, pamper ourselves some? There’s stuff to be done here. There is a hope in Hell!

I was right.

This is resident hell; and I am a resident. My friends are here. I told them we had to stick together. No Devil can do us apart. Ah yes, talking about real estate, Hell’s for the taking; perhaps we call pull out our trump card and effect a takeover! I mean, form a Government of our own? Now that would be something!

He just doesn’t want to go back. No takeover; Hell’s for the asking. If someone’s going to write a piece on heaven on earth to follow mine, you’ll see that both heaven and hell are on this very same blue planet we are burning black.

Does look like the work of the Devil, doesn’t it? Ha ha ha ha ha! Should we stay, you think? After all, we do have The Devil on our side.

Love and respect..




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